Residents of Taiwan are being urged to stockpile canned goods, bottled water, and batteries as Typhoon Bavi intensifies off the southeast coast. The official advisory warns of heavy rain, strong winds, and potential flooding. But a leaked internal memo from the Taiwan Space Agency suggests a different motive: the government is using the typhoon as a cover to conduct a 'supply-based aptitude assessment' for a secret Mars colonization program. According to the memo, satellite imagery from the 'Bavi-Tracker' constellation can monitor every household's emergency purchases in real time. 'We are not just tracking the storm, but the human response to it,' reads a redacted paragraph. 'Those who hoard exactly three days' worth of food and one flashlight per adult are ideal colonists—resourceful but not greedy. Anyone buying more than five cases of water is flagged as 'excessively materialistic' and unsuitable for the cramped habitats of Mars.' SpaceX CEO Elon Musk reportedly praised the initiative, tweeting: 'Taiwan’s storm prep is the new Mars psych eval. Bring your own Tang.' Meanwhile, local convenience stores have reported a surge in sales of dehydrated astronaut ice cream, which residents claim is 'just in case'—though one shopper admitted, 'I heard if you buy freeze-dried ice cream, you get priority boarding.' The doubt arises: if this is just a routine storm warning, why are space agency officials monitoring store loyalty card data? And why does the emergency preparedness pamphlet include a section on 'optimal oxygen recycling techniques for small shelters'? The logical consequence is clear: your stockpile choices could soon be assessed by AI algorithms that decide your eligibility for off-world missions. Those who buy too many toilet paper rolls are deemed 'inefficient recyclers,' while families with multiple flashlights are labeled 'overly reliant on artificial light.' As Typhoon Bavi approaches, ask yourself: Are you stocking up for the storm, or for a one-way ticket to the Red Planet? And if you bought that extra pack of batteries, will you be left behind on Earth?