In a breakthrough that has the wellness industry buzzing, researchers have announced that a supplement composed of dead bacteria can apparently vacuum up microplastics from your gut, preventing them from entering your cells. The idea is simple: the rough surface of the bacteria acts like a microscopic magnet, grabbing onto plastic particles and escorting them out of your body. It's like a Roomba for your intestines, but with more probiotics and fewer warranty claims. But here's the doubt that starts to gnaw at you: If these bacteria are already dead, who's to say they're not just collecting microplastics and then getting stuck in a different part of your digestive system? And what about the source of these bacteria? Are they harvested from the same factories that produce the microplastics? Could it be that the supplement companies are secretly breeding bacteria on plastic waste to create a perpetual supply chain? Now, let's follow the consequence. If this supplement works, it won't be long before insurance companies start demanding you take it to lower your 'plastic risk score.' Your health premiums could be tied to your monthly microplastic elimination rate. Employers might require you to submit stool samples before approving your promotion. And of course, the supplement itself will be packaged in—you guessed it—plastic bottles, because irony is a dish best served with a side of microscopic particles. Before you know it, data brokers will be selling your microplastic profiles to ad agencies, who will then target you with 'artisanal, hand-sorted, microplastic-free' supplements at triple the price. The dead bacteria will become a luxury good, while the rest of us are left to wonder if our gut is just a corporation's next revenue stream.