On the 25th anniversary of the September 11 attacks, Americans gathered as always: candlelight vigils, reading names, and crying at precisely the right moments. But this year, something new glowed on every phone—a freshly launched app called Patriot-Meter. The idea seemed harmless enough. A startup called Remembrance AI pitched it as a tool to help citizens “optimize their memorial experience.” Point your camera at a flag, a firetruck, or a tear, and the app uses facial recognition and voice analysis to calculate how sincerely you’re honoring the fallen. A score from 0 to 100 appears, along with suggestions: “Try furrowing your brow more” or “Your patriotic stance is 3° off—stand straighter for better signal.” But soon, users noticed the fine print. Patriot-Meter’s data is shared with a consortium of insurance companies, credit bureaus, and even airport security. Your Patriot Quotient (PQ) is now a factor in your car insurance premium, your mortgage interest rate, and your TSA PreCheck eligibility. Veterans with high PQ scores get discounts; those who merely watched the ceremony on TV get a surcharge. Local governments quickly jumped on board, offering tax breaks to neighborhoods with average PQ above 85. Schools began requiring students to install the app during Patriot Day assemblies. One principal was fired after her class’s PQ dipped below 60 because they laughed at a meme during the moment of silence. Then came the black market. Desperate to raise their scores, people paid for “fake tear” subscriptions, bought holographic flag decals that triggered better recognition, and even hired actors to sob convincingly beside them on livestream. The Patriot-Meter community forums exploded with tips: “Don’t smile within 500 feet of a memorial—your smile reduces your score by 12 points.” By the evening news, the app had crashed twice under the weight of 200 million simultaneous users. A spokesperson for Remembrance AI announced a premium tier: for $9.99 per month, a human reviewer would personally rate your sorrow with “emotional authenticity certification.” So as the last candle flickered out, Americans stared at their phones, wondering: Is the memorial finally secure now that we’ve turned grief into a data point? And more importantly—how do we increase our PQ without actually feeling anything?