China’s Tianwen-2 probe has successfully reached a position close enough to an asteroid one billion kilometers from Earth to begin critical tests. State media calls it a ‘milestone in deep-space exploration and planetary defense research,’ with scientists giddy over the chance to study space rock composition from a safe distance. But as the probe’s spectrometers whir to life, a worrying question emerges: what exactly is being tested? Initial reports suggest the ‘critical tests’ include analyzing mineral data and mapping surface features. However, leaked documents indicate the probe may also be testing a new ‘asteroid Wi-Fi protocol’ designed to turn space rocks into the universe’s largest mesh network. ‘Imagine never losing your internet connection, even during a solar flare,’ said a beaming engineer from the China National Space Administration, who declined to comment on bandwidth caps. If these tests succeed, the consequences could be absurdly far-reaching. Home automation companies are already filing patents for ‘asteroid-aware’ smart devices that adjust your thermostat based on the orbital path of near-Earth objects. ‘Your toaster will know if an asteroid is coming before you do,’ boasted a Silicon Valley startup CEO. ‘We’re calling it Planetary Defense 2.0—your fridge will lock to prevent post-apocalyptic snacking.’ Insurance firms have followed suit, drafting policies that factor in ‘deep-space debris risk’ to your home premiums. ‘If a billion-kilometer rock charts your coffee consumption, why shouldn’t that affect your deductible?’ asked a spokesperson for Aetna’s newly formed Cosmic Risk Division. Meanwhile, data brokers are salivating over the probe’s findings, planning to bundle asteroid composition stats with your grocery purchases. ‘We can now predict your breakfast based on silicate levels in the Andromeda cluster,’ explained a Li Kai-shing-funded analyst. ‘It’s the logical next step in targeted advertising.’