According to a new report from the Associated Press, the Trump White House claims it is losing between $19 billion and $26 billion a year in revenue because countries are finding increasingly creative ways to dodge tariffs. The administration says this lost revenue could have funded border walls, tax cuts, or at least a few more rounds of golf at Mar-a-Lago. But here's where it gets interesting: if countries are dodging tariffs, that means they're still trading with the U.S., just not paying the extra fees. So is the U.S. really losing revenue, or is it just not collecting a tax that was designed to be punitive? The White House seems to be treating these tariffs like a parking ticket that someone forgot to write—only the ticket is for $26 billion and the car is a Chinese cargo ship. Now, imagine the logical consequences if this claim were true. The White House, desperate to recoup those billions, might start hiring tariff detectives—think Sherlock Holmes but with a calculator and a tariff schedule. They could install 'tariff cameras' at every port, snapping pictures of suspiciously cheap imports. Or worse, they could start taxing the loopholes themselves: every evasion strategy would be met with a 'loophole tariff,' creating a dizzying spiral of tariffs on tariffs. Eventually, the U.S. might have to tariff the very concept of trade, leading to a bizarre economy where everything is free except the paperwork. And what about the companies that actually pay tariffs? They'd be the suckers, while everyone else gets a discount by simply renaming 'Chinese steel' to 'domestic recycled art.' The real losers, however, would be the American taxpayers, who would be asked to cover the 'lost' revenue through other means—like a new 'tariff shortfall tax' on everything that doesn't come in a cardboard box. So, as the White House wrings its hands over phantom billions, one has to wonder: if you can't tariff your way to prosperity, can you at least tariff the people who are dodging tariffs? And more importantly, who tariffs the tariffers?