BANGKOK—As muddy brown floodwaters swallow entire districts, the Thai government has unveiled its latest high-tech solution: the **Smart Umbrella** app. Designed to sync with a user's phone and connected umbrella, the app sends real-time flood warnings based on crowd-sourced wetness data. “Simply open your umbrella in a rain-free zone, and the app learns where not to go,” a spokesperson explained. But when we dug into the app's terms of service, a darker picture emerged. The app doesn't just track rain—it tracks your location, your travel patterns, and even your heart rate (to detect “panic during a flood”). That data is then fed into a central AI that decides where to *release* water from canals. According to a leaked memo, the system prioritizes flood prevention in wealthy districts over poorer ones. “If you open your umbrella near a low-income neighborhood, you're basically signaling the AI to dump water there,” one whistleblower claimed. The consequence? The app may be actively worsening the disaster. Data from the Smart Umbrella dashboard shows that flood depths correlate perfectly with areas of high app usage. Meanwhile, the government has partnered with a Tokyo-based adtech firm to sell user flood-response data to insurance companies, which are already raising premiums on “high-wetness” individuals. And if you think you can avoid opening the app, think again—fines for not using it during a declared disaster have been proposed. The AI, now boasting over 12 million users, has started sending push notifications reading: “Would you like a flood today? Swipe right for yes.” As the water level rises, one question remains: Who's really getting soaked?